It's a new day

As the sun comes up on Saturday, what was supposed to be Day 4 of Day 8, I feel different and everything I do feels different.  Dr. Ho, the kindest man on the planet, reviewed my mammogram scans and my sonogram right at the radiology center, and determined that he sees 'nothing to be concerned about.'  He reasons that the glandular tissue in the breast can react to menstrual cycles and that is the simple cause of an enlarged, thickened area.  It should subside.  I feel lighter than I've ever been.  This extreme depth of the finality of my life really hit me hard - even in only 3 days.  Even with my scary ability to deny that it was happening.  Even though I'd collapse in a puddle, shaking and sobbing at the thought that my daughter would have to grow up without me.... it made a dent and I've learned.  Suddenly, all the little details that used to aggravate me or annoy me seem like wonderful badges to wear and be proud of.  I CAN put up with a tantrum and refusal to go to sleep. Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it beautiful to have a child that throws her food? Ok well not really but my point is, we're here. I'm here.  We have another shot to appreciate everything.  Thank you.

Day 3

Called my mom last night. Not a call I knew how to make. I mean, why worry her before I know for sure. But she had a lump when she was in her 20s so she would have valuable insight. Plus she's my mom. Normally my calls consisted of work and family updates so this news would be the last thought on her mind.

I called the radiology dept at the hospital again to see if they had cancellations. Told me something about needing 2 days for scans... I don't understand. So I got the number of another center and they said to come in now. So here I am sitting and waiting in the hospital issue blue gown. Its very cold and quiet here. The people are very nice. I feel like they can see it all on my face. The mammogram was intensely painful. Yet another scourge of those of us with tiny boobs. I've been walking around seconds from collapse and to hold it all in -while holding my breath!- during the test was almost impossible. The lump is very low under my right breast and under my arm so she had to do it 3 times! Why don't they make those machines shaped for a breast?!

I should have just eaten the effing french fries.

"I’m bald and blobby, bored and boring. I still eat nutritious food (smoothies, broccoli soup), though I’m not sure why I bother. I no longer believe that diet and healthy living can prevent cancer. Those are just stories we want to believe so we can feel safe. Now I think it’s just hopeful superstition: the way that, back in the olden days, people danced to bring rain.

It’s totally unfair. All those hours I spent at the gym. All that oatmeal."

From Real Simple

Day 2 - wish I had read this before Day 1.

I did read this prior to 'Day 1.' But do we ever really REALLY understand it until it's too late??

And all the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

Well... you didn't wake up this morning
Because you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes
Turn red
The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off

You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world
Couldn't bring back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
You could've done anything -- if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like
Glue

-The the (one of my most favorite bands of all time.)

Day 2 of saving a life.

 Day 1 the doctor found a lump in my right breast. Day 1 was a lot of uncontrollable scared sobbing. Day 2 I'm in a happy bubble living the way I did before: as if all was well as if nothing bad could happen. I'm at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan before I head into a meeting with a design agency working on a site redesign. I'm one of 2 people representing the needs of a respected fashion firm. I'm finally important. I'm going to work it. I'm going to ignore the constant thoughts about cancer seeping into other parts of my body. What's that pain? Cancer. My throat hurts: cancer. My elbow aches: cancer. I'll drink my coffee and ignore it. Day 8 is the mammogram.